This Is My Story of My First Love. Finale

Hai kau,

(Bunyi cam gampang kasar hahaha)

Right at this moment,

We still have 13hours left untuk bersama.

13hours left tuk cakap apa yang masih terbuku kat hati

13hours left tuk fight, kalau kudrat tu masih ada.

Bukan niat aku nak hilang dan pergi

Aku cuma nak kau tahu

Takde manusia normal 

yang dah terluka tapi masih nak stay

Ok mungkin aku je la camtu

Tapi memang taklah aku masih nak ngadap

Apa aku dapat? 

Apa kau dapat?

Apa kita dapat?

Kenapa aku masih dekat sini?

1. Aku pernah lepaskan kau, dan aku menyesal.

Aku taknak ulangi penyesalan aku.

Cz lfe's too short to be unhappy.

2. Aku tanak kau terus rosak, titik

3. Aku dah tak boleh pikir, 

Sebab aku bakal hilang kau.

Aku sekarang ni, bukan tengok kau je buat aku sebak

Tengok married couple lain,

Soon to be married couple lain pun aku sebak

Sebab....

They look sooo good together loving each other.

Tapi kenapa aku dipisahkan pulak.

Kenapa aku nak kena korban camni plak.

Kenapa aku nak kena tutup apa aku rasa plak.

Kenapa aku nak kena lepaskan pulak.

Hahahahaha haramJ

Aku ulang balik,

Aku mungkin ujian tuk kau yang berdarah manis,

Atau memang ada sebab kita ditemukan balik.

Bukan sekejap gak kita kawan balik tau. 

Lebih kurang 2tahun juga kau contact aku balik

Dan lebih kurang setahun setengah kita rapat balik.

Time tu, kau belum berdarah manis lagi tau.

Aku tak tau lah.

Hati aku.. Memang tak kasi lepas.

Aku jadi geram plak bila kata dah ok 

Tapi hakikat masih rasa tak sedap hati.

Aku dah becakap dgn kau,

End up tiada penyelesaian.

Aku berbalik dekat Tuhan je.

Kau dan masalah kau, aku harap Tuhan jaga.

Sebab kalau bukan Dia yang gerakkan hati kau,

Siapa lagi?

Aku tau sayang tak semestinya memiliki,

So aku akan sayang dan jaga kau dari jauh.

Tak pernah betul aku pasrah and serahkan 

100% dekat Tuhan cmni.

Aku takut.

Tipu lah aku tak takut.

Tapi aku percaya..

Aku percaya kalau dah tertulis, tak kemana..

Apa yg ada dekat kau sampai semua org syg dekat kau?

Tapi kau pulak yg tak sayang diri sndr 

(Cerita pasak benda lain pulak ni)

Kau jangan aku dapat tau kau makin rosak,

Aku carik kau sampai lubang cacing. 

 Kau paham tak? Jangan main2 dgn aku. Haha

I'll be fine. 

Dah. Bye. Ngantuk gila.

Aku jumpa kau dalam mimpi je pasni. Singgah la selalu.

Hahahahahahaa

So This Is My Story of My First Love. Part 6

Dear Peter,

I'm not used to make a guy cry, 

Tidak pernah juga aku rasa ada lelaki yang menangis untuk aku.

Tapi bila tengok kau mengalir air mata.

Tak tahulah air mata acah acah atau air mata betul.

Aku automatic pujuk, walaupun aku tau yang lagi sakit tu sebenarnya aku

Kenapalah kau ni mi..

Pikir hati sendiri boleh tak pikir hati sendiri?

Tak sedar, I've been crying for a month now. The whole January.

Tak pasti kenapa, sakit dia pun lain macam juga.

Dulu aku baca To All The Boys I've Loved Before,

Menangis aku.

Dulu aku baca The Time Traveller's Wife, 

Menangis aku.

Aku tengok 13 Going on 30,

Menangis aku.

Aku tengok 500 Days of Summer,

Menangis aku.

Aku tengok 17 Again,

Menangis aku.
Aku tengok MV The One That Got Away si Katy Perry,
Menangis aku.

Aku dengar The Chainsmokers yang main EDM tu pun,

Menangis aku.

Aku dengar The Smiths,

Menangis aku.

Ah, lagu tapayah nak senarai la sampai tahun depan tak habis.

Kau tau tak kau,

Aku ada impian yang kalau kau jadi sebahagian dari aku,

Aku nak asing macam macam bilik dekat rumah kita.

Ada satu tu, bilik nak mengaji.

Pastu, ada bilik bacaan yang penuh dengan buku buku aku.

Lepas tu, bilik untuk studio muzik aku.

Ada gitar, ada piano, ada drum,
ada ukulele aku yang berbagai warna & size.

I could teach our kids main music, mengaji, baca buku dekat library rumah kita.

Dah kalau macam ni ceritanya, 

Takdelah kan.

Damn apa jenis angan angan ni.

Aku tengah pujuk hati aku tengah pujuk hati aku tengah pujuk hati..

So This Is My Story of My First Love. Part 5

For your record dear Peter,

I started writing this on Sunday, 31 January 2015, 8.10am.

I woke up to I dont know what. 

I couldn't sleep safe and sound last night like I used to.

Not sure sebab sakit, or just missing you so bad.

I thought I'm gonna be okay. I'm sure that I'm gonna be okay, positive.

But kenapa aku rasa macam ni.

Mungkin sebab semalam aku nak pegi food festival tapi tak kesampaian haha

Okay.

Kawan kawan aku, cousin aku, semua kata I'm gonna be fine.

Aku pun kata dekat diri sendiri yang I'm gonna be fine.

But I'm not.

I don't know.

Siapa tak suka ingat zaman muda muda. 

Semua org suka bahan zaman muda muda, zaman hingusan

Zaman semua benda masih manis tanpa risiko tanpa stress

Tapi aku, zaman muda muda aku penuh dengan kau,

It hurts when I remembered it.

Takkan aku nak buang semua memori tu ke tong sampah? 

Dah macam buang separuh otak aku. 

Baik tak payah hidup terus kalau macam tu

Okay, tak.

Weh kau, kawan kawan aku cukup tak suka dekat kau.

Sebab kau masih kawan dengan aku lebih dari biasa 

Tapi kau tak pilih nak hidup dengan aku.

Kawan kawan aku cukup angin dengan kau.

Kalau diorang dapat jumpa kau memang kau kena weh.

Belum lagi kalau diorang tahu aku pun masih jumpa kau,

Sat lagi diorang lanyak aku dengan steamroll haha

Aku bukan apa.

Aku tak nak, tapi..

Kenapa ek, I just can't get enough of u.

Aku rasa cam tak nak je bagi kau lepas. 

Sama je rasanya macam zaman kita sekolah dulu.

Rasa macam kalau kecik aku nak masukkan dalam poket.

Kau pun rasa camtu kan. You just can't get enough of me.

Tapi kenapa..

Aku tak nampak orang lain.. Damn..

Yelah ada sorang tu kata. Aku ni ujian untuk kau. Sebab kau nak kahwin..

Apa lah salah aku..

Salah la.. Apa masalah kau mi.

Barang kau masih banyak dalam rumah ni,

Gambar kau masih aku tak keluarkan dari frame even dah 10 tahun.

Aku fikir nanti kalau kau dah jadi sebahagian dari aku,

Kita boleh gelak sakan tengok memori zaman muda kita.

Tapi kau takkan ada.

Aku fikir kalau kau jadi sebahagian dari aku,

Aku boleh install layar cinema & subscribe netflix dekat rumah, 

kita boleh tengok movie sampai lebam, walaupun kau kerja sabtu ahad.

Aku boleh beli playstation dengan pc berkuasa tinggi,

Supaya aku boleh main deadpool dengan kau.

Ye planning macam budak budak.

Tapi kita kenal pun dari kita budak budak kan.

Semua tu memori.

Semua tu kalau aku dapat sambung dan aku jadi aku,

Bukan orang berprotokol yang aku jadi skrg ni,

Aku tau aku akan happy.

Tapi.. Kau takkan ada.

Buku yang aku cerita kat kau, Landline tu.

Yang pasal dia dapat call balik suami dia waktu suami dia muda tu,

Aku tau tu fiksyen je, kita ni realiti.

Tapi kalau aku dapat peluang macam tu,

Aku torn sama ada aku nak putar balik masa 

Untuk tak tolak kau waktu aku umur 19tahun dulu,

Atau patah balik masa untuk tak nak kenal langsung dengan kau

10 tahun yang dulu.

Aku sakit weh.. Aku sakit aku tak tau nak cakap camne.

Aku okay je, tak tipu aku okay yang kita dah habis.

Tapi kenapa kau datang balik waktu kau habis training ke apa tu

Yang kau dah boleh pegang telepon balik tu. Tahun 2013 tu

Yang waktu aku praktikal training setiap petang kau tanya aku

'Hantaran berapa mi, hantaran berapa mi'

Kau mesti tak ingat. Haramj betul.

Tah la aku pun malas nak ingat.

Separuh entry ni aku mengarang sambil berjujuran air mata,

The latter aku dah tak menangis. Sebab aku tau aku kuat, 

Cuma aku lambat sikit lah. Kau first love kan.

Kuaja.

Haritu aku dah malas nak mengarang pasal kau my love. 

Tapi tah. Banyak lagi benda aku nak cakap sebelum bulan 4 ni.

So aku akan keep mengarang.

May the force be with me. Kau, tak payah. Hahaha

Aku mintak maaf sebab tolak kau dulu. Kalau aku dapat patah balik masa aku tampar aku yang dulu tu :'(

So This Is My Story of My First Love Part 4

Hi.

Well I thought I'm gonna stop writing about him 

Since he's getting married, but...

It's unexplainable. Seriously..

I don't think I'm able to refresh back all the past memories

Actually I can, but I choose not to.

Cz it hurts. It really hurts..

For today's entry, nothing much.

Just a freaking song for him

Like i dont know why it suits him. 

Suit my current feeling too. Or whatever you might say.

Siapa yang kenal aku tau, aku bukan jenis dengar lagu melayu.

Ni kan pula lagu rock kapak.

Tapi aku taktau lah kenapa semenjak dua menjak ni

Lagu lagu ni lah yang aku pasang waktu kerja.

Ok lah.

Sorry Peter, I could not unloved you.

But I hope you're really happy.

I hope I'll stay cool. 

Tho I know for sure that I'm not.

Bye now.

*************************************************************

Kau umpama bunga

yang mekar di hatiku

Ku harap kau mekarlah

selama-lamanya

Kau umpama bintang

menyinari hidupku

Ku harap kau

terus bersinar

Di ketika kau

Perlukan aku

Sentiasa aku

Ada di sisimu

Di ketika

Rindu padamu

Terasa cinta

Semakin dalam

Sayang

Kasihku abadi

Cintamu mekar

Di hati ini

Kau dalam ingatan

Di sepanjang hayatku

Demi teguhnya cinta

Selama-lamanya 

P/S: Aku harap rasa ni hilang. Hilang. Hilang. Hilang. Hilang. Hilang. Hilang. Hilang.

So This Is My Story of My First Love. Part 2

So this is the part 2 of 'This is my story of my first love'.

about the guy name Peter, my first love, obviously.

I know u don't care. Go read something else then. 

ehem.

So i guess its been a month now since the part 1 was published.

funny that the feelings come lingers back

at totally the same date of the month. 

okay.

its not that i'm not moving on. i do.

i just don't know why it doesn't fade off. 

for burger's sake we're not an item anymore for more than 9 years

 i cant explain this situation. whatever. don't know don't care.

ok to start off back from where i left before..

i remember that we always go on a groupdate at Midvalley 

back in 2006 and sometimes,

if bosan, we went to Sunway Pyramid once in a while.

I remembered that if we went to Pyramid,

the food there wasn't really affordable

so we were (i were) forced to eat at this i dunno what kedai (??)

at groundfloor level that sell this cheap nasi lemak.

I used to throw away all the nuts and cucumbers

(i still dont eat those kacang tanah or whatever kacang that is)

but i remembered that Peter, for some reason, 

hate that i don't eat the cucumbers.

so he forced me to eat it like how mommas usually do. 

Scary, unpleasant and controlling kinda way.

and because of that, i never miss eating my cucumbers til now.

lame, i know. moving on.

 Back then my family was really controlling 

my curfew was 7pm everyday.

it sucks that i'm having fun but because of me,

everybody needs to get back home at 6pm.

and the saddest thing was, i am the oldest in the groupdate.

i dunno, maybe Peter thought that i was boring back then.

i am no fun like other girls ya know.

i dont feel good back then but to think about it,

my parents just want the best for me and i'm ok with it now.

i used to be so stupid

buying all this sorts of things for him

i don't know how to make people happy

i just buy people with money i guess 

biasanya if orang dah dibiasakan dgn duit,

they might not gonna love u for u, right?

when i think about it now, it is kinda a mystery for me,

did he really love me that long?

did he not having affair at my back?

i was 16 and he was 15. 

he's famous and all the juniors had eyes on him.

what did i expect? why do i have to be crazily in love like that?

it is stupid and crazy,

to love a person who are so fishy like that

and i thought that now, it will never happen again.

wrong, girl. it did. it happen again

u are crazily in love once again with him

and u don't even know why.

sucks ball.

to tell u the truth Peter, 

i miss the old u. the 15 year old Peter.

who used to play the guitar and sing to me.

who used to made all this handmade stuff 

because u couldn't afford to buy anything for me.

its not converse, roxy or nike, but I like it anyway.

Stay with me, cause i need u. 

even after all this time.

I was crazy over sinetron 'Liontin' dulu
and I want the same locket as them thus,
the ancient 2006 locket yg dah berkarat. oh well.

to be continued... again...

So This Is My Story of My First Love. Part 1

WARNING: WHAT YOU ABOUT TO READ MAY FILLED WITH 

INAPPROPRIATE CONTENT THAT MAY RESULTS IN SERIOUS 

DISGUSTING LOOKING FACES THAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO MAKE

WHILE READING THIS POST. YOU HAVE BEEN ADVISE TO LEAVE, 

BUT, HECK, DO WHATEVER YOU WANT LA. EHH

What if the one that you've been trying to find,

has always been there,

no matter how far u go, how big u become,

You will always find ways to find each other.

Wasn't it fascinating? 

Its like, the one that got away will eventually comes back.

and bring fireworks back to ur life, after all this time.

So this is my story of my first love.

Well, not really my first love, but yeah. 

He's the first guy that I'm serious with, that's how it goes.

So let's call him Peter Kavinsky. 

('cause he's similar to Jenny Han's Peter Kavinsky in so many ways)

We first met when we were in high school.

He was the famous block in the school, famous with girls,

and there I was, unpopular, messy and well, booknerd.

Its always been normal, for an unpopular girl like me,

to like somebody as famous as he was.

Never would I thought that at the end of the day,

He likes me back.

**********

It was one of those fine and calm evening, (but gloomy for me)

I was always grumpy back then, seldomly smile, 

its to the point where other kids called me 'sombong'. heh.

While I was sitting at the corner of a bench,

there he was, asking,

"why so gloomy?"

"and... you are..?" I said in my head. 

Not replying his question anyway.

Days passed and he keeps on asking the same thing,

"why so gloomy?" "why so gloomy?" "why so gloomy?"

but with the addition of,

"I never saw you here before. You new here?"

I just don't get why this boy wont leave me alone, 

so I just went like, 

"Nope, not really. Saja tukar angin. I never exposed myself before."

Gittew kateko

Sorry, cant really remember the details but, 

ever since that conversation,

I kinda like be friends with him.

As far as I know we don't really talk that much.

He's just always there, at the place where I can easily spot him.

That's when I realize how good looking he was.

What he's been thinking, talking to me?

Talking to this grumpy messy and uptight girl.

Kau nak apa dari aku?

He used to say this on one of those days,

"jangan menangis, mata merah biar lama lama tak elok"

I quit crying, ever since then.

Do you still remember that, Peter?

***********

It was April, we went to this camping as a team representing our school.

For the record, I hate campings, I don't do adventurous stuff,

It is so weird, thinking that I joined it voluntarily, tanpa paksaan sesiapa.

While waiting for the bus, camwhore tu mestilah ada.

Back in that time, I was an ignorant kid, 

didn't really alert with anything that happens around me.

but,

In every picture that me and my friends took,

He was always there, beside me.

Like literally beside me. Why wouldn't I realize it?

and.. Why would u sit there beside me in every picture?

You're weird. I thought.

He sits next to me inside the bus, 

he offers me his earphone.

Cant remember the song, but he likes rock kapak songs back then.

In which I don't like it but I still listened to it anyway.

I felt that weird tingling feeling ever since the 'earphone sharing' thingy,

but what makes me flutter badly was when he help tied my shoestring.

Tell me, how many guys will tie a shoestring for you?

and the weird part is I don't even know much about this guy.

but what I don't like about it was that,

I start to fall hard on him. Like real hard.

Like I-cant-stand-up-and-walk-back, kinda hard. 

It is still a mystery to me, what was he thinking back then?

Why me? Why sits beside me? Why me? Why?

but to tell u the truth boy, you're the cutest during that time.

like if I could keep u forever in my pocket, I would. 

Tak tipu, You're the best, You're the cutest.
You're the one that I love with all my heart.
hahahahahaha

To be continued in Part 2...

P/S: Untuk sambungan Part 2, kalau aku rajin aku sambung, 

kalau aku rindu aku sambung, kalau aku sedih aku sambung, 

kalau aku sayang aku sambung, kalau aku nak carik gaduh aku sambung. 

hahabye.